ode to my intimo bra

goodbye my bra, my love, my friend.

over these almost four years, you have been a source of constant support.
your shiny redness added a little glamour to my day.
i felt so comfortable with you fitted inside shirt, up against my chest.
oh-so-close to my heart.

when you started leaking i was confused.
had i spilt some strange substance on you, that was making me oily after wear?
why was your ‘wet patch’ not drying?
and when i realised, that at last, your waters (metaphorically speaking) had broken, i almost cried.

you have been a true and loyal friend, red intimo bra.
i, and your black counterpart will miss you dearly.

goodbye my bra, my love, my friend.
you are never far from my heart.

Saturday Night Fever

(written on Saturday night)

Fun.
Dancing.
Drinks ($4 Spirits and house wine).
Boys hitting on me (though I pay no attention it reminds me that I’m beautiful).
Meeting new people (lovely Una, interesting Raoul and rad Foxy in his speedy wheelchair).

The music is now a bit too loud, my feet are a bit too tired, and I need food (craving Hungry Jack’s something chronic) but I’m happy.
Satisfied.
I’ve remembered that there is more to life than books, making dinner and the x-files.
I’ve been invited to a birthday party in a couple of weeks, and to become a standing member of the monthly Hornsby Yacht Club gatherings.
I’ve discussed theology, dreams, Europe, horror movies and the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I am happy.
There is more to life.
I just need to go out and find it.

**********************************************

On a side note, I have realised that re: my last post, the reason I was wanting to be single was nothing to do with The Boy, and actually nothing to do with actually wanting to be single; I was simply freaking out about all the responsibilities I have in my life, and how they were overwhelming me, and as a subconscious automatic reaction, I felt that if I split up our relationship then I would get rid of some of the responsibilities I had in a partnership. But then I realised I needed the partnership for his amazing support.

So, case closed folks! All is not perfect, but it is better. And I’ll keep working on that.

unscripted

and when she doesn’t know
she will let it show

her colour is brown, unknown, no sound

she dances in the rain,
well not dances

she moves in the rain because it’s the only thing she can think to do.

the rest of it all, the life is gone.

feeling lonely in the centre of somebody else’s universe

Reader warning: Anything I say tonight cannot be used against me in a court of law. Or, tomorrow.

I will be better in the morning.
I know I will.
Sleep solves everything.
Except maybe the war in the Middle East.

Tonight I feel unloved, though I know that I indubitably am.

I will not recount details, for they are worthless, and of no interest to anybody (or, I don’t want to tell you); but have you ever experienced the feeling when someone really wants to do something that involves you, but it would hurt you to do it? You want to do it for them, because you love them, but it will most likely kill you ’round the edges of your heart.

And the worst is that they don’t understand the ramifications.
So you explain it to them.

They immediately retract their thoughts, their wants, their needs because they love you, and even though they don’t quite understand why it would hurt you, they don’t want to do that to you.

But you know that they still really want to do it. And if they do it in their head, in their heart, isn’t that almost as bad as them doing it in reality?

Listening to: Ani DiFranco – You’re Untouchable Face
Waiting for: The Boy to get home to have chats
Wishing: I was asleep
Wondering: If there is another way to get ‘closure’

Don’t talk to me

Okay, so last Monday I wrote off my car. Don’t ask me about it, I don’t want to tell you. I just did, okay?

Anyway, so the insurance company is taking their sweet-ass time in getting an assessor up to officially write it off so that they can give me a cheque for a new one. It was towed in last Monday, but won’t be assessed until Wednesday this week! Totally PO’d about that.

I’m on the train at the moment (which I’ve been doing for a week, and it’s been killing me) going into Parramatta to pick up a rental car to use for this week. I hate spending a couple of hundred bucks on it, and worse, I hate the insurance company for not providing it.

Last time I had an accident, they told me I was entitled to a hire car after 7 days if it still wasn’t fixed. So when I’m talking to them last week, they tell me that it’s only applicable if you DRIVE it into a repair place, not if it’s towed in. Mofo’s.

In, other news, if you’re reading this and I haven’t been talking to you, you’re not the only one. I’ve had a rough time lately, and there are a lot of things I can’t deal with right now. Making chit chat is one of them.

So, apologies, but don’t take it personal-like.
Okay?

knuckle down

It’s time to knuckle down.
Riley has arrived.
Another alter-ego.

She is sensible, level-headed.

She goes to work, works hard. Puts in extra hours if necessary, and doesn’t complain (though, she may drop hints at how much effort she puts in, just for some appreciation).

She goes home and does uni work until 10.30pm, when she promptly signs off for bed.

She wakes up within two alarms (and only snoozing for half an hour, because a girl needs a little indulgence, even if this girl has a bit of a stick up her ass).

She doesn’t party much on the weekends, because she needs ‘me’ time. Possibly a little too much of it. Mandy thinks she’s a recluse. Possibly she is hiding from something. But ‘I need to study’ is a good cover for avoiding the world.

She wears a watch. And sensible jewellery.

She’s 24, with a 15yr old shy schoolgirl heart.

She has a calender on her wall, and a diary in her bag.

She chews on her pen lids thoughtfully, and looks down through her glasses.

She needs to go to bed now, it’s 10.21pm.

Mandy – The Musical

So a while ago I made a Life Soundtrack for Riss. I was thinking that I should put down a few songs from that, and others that have been added since, that make up the soundtrack of my life.

These are songs that have gotten me through events, that represent times, that inspired me to dance through days, in no particular order.

Dizzy Deejays – Good Life
This was my wake up song, on the way to work on a Saturday morning at 5.30am. Blasting this in the car made me bubble inside with happiness and guaranteed a giggle every single time I played it. The most amazing happy song.

Bach – Air on a G String
When I was younger I used to put this song on at full volume after an argument with my Dad and cry out my sadness. It always left me feeling better. Drained, but better.

Zephyr – Destiny
The breakup from Marty song. I played this on repeat for three hours until I was able to make up my mind to follow through.

Chicane – No Ordinary Morning
The very happiest times with Marty, edged bittersweetly with intensely missing him.

Holiday in Spain – Counting Crows
Driving to work at Mermaid Beach on the Gold Coast in my blue volvo Charlie back in 04/05, sunny hotness pouring through the windscreen in my first very own car. Days with Maggie, my bestie, my manager, my awesomeness.

How To Save A Life – The Fray
Driving to work at Pac Fair on the Gold Coast in my white Betty-Boop-Mobile volvo last year, banked up traffic in the heat of the Gold Coast Highway, to spend all day doing jack-all with my bestest friends who just happened to work with me. Good days.

I Can’t Be With You – The Cranberries
Cam moved to Melbourne. And broke my heart. But I mended it with superglue, so it’s okay now.

Don’t You Think It’s Time – Bob Evans
The reason I moved to the Blue Mountains.

Sigur Ros – Hoppipola
Unexpected kisses on the beach under a starry night with the waves lapping below and trees swaying above.

Rachel Yamagata – Be Be Your Love
Sitting on the beach at Brighton-Le-Sands, enjoying the sun and the freshness of the wind, burning my legs, reading Pollyanna, thinking the happiest thoughts and dreaming of a boy.

Emiliana Torrini – Nothing Brings Me Down
Driving home at 7am after an eventful New Year’s 2008.

Damien Rice – Accidental Babies
Lying in bed, imagining, dreaming, wanting, waiting, aspiring, wishing, floating, dozing.

Chicane – Autumn Tactics
Nights in the loungeroom with Riss, glowsticks, swaying, dancing, outside adventures, prettiness.

Tiga – You Gonna Want Me
Clubbing in Brisvegas with Amber, meeting random boys for adventures at Southbank, no sleep, Gloria Jeans at 4am, red sequined headscarves, dancing til our feet were dead and then dancing some more.

Dashboard Confessional – The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most
Lying on the lounge, watching Marty paint the wall purple.

Flunk – Play
Moving from the Gold Coast back to the Sunshine Coast. The real breakup song.

Anberlin – Foreign Language
Driving home from work, up the mountain, giving the best air drum performance in the world.

Anberlin – Adelaide
Driving home from camping with Maggie and Cam. Go Pony!!!

Bobby Darin – Beyond the Sea
Night adventures between 10pm – 3am with Cam. Mt Tambourine, Lamington National Park, random 4WD tracks in Eagle Heights, wherever. Pure funness.

Greenday – Minority
1999. The days of ICQ in the computer room.

Blue October feat. Imogen Heap – Congratulations
6hr conversations with Allie, lying in bed, falling asleep still talking on the headset, realising it’s 7am and time to go to work but wishing I still had 5 more hours to talk.

Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus
Gothed-up times with Maggie at her cousins house in Victoria Point. The first of the Stir-Fried Chocolate Cake nights.

U2 – The Saints Are Coming
Days at Crazy John’s. Playing at Tetris all day, chatting to Sam and Bailey, red rooster chips and post-mix coke, getting visits from random friends.

Does anybody have any of their own songs that remind them of times/places/people/things?
Nostalgia.

Two in one day! Blown away…

I went hunting through my old Myspace blogs to try and find this blog here about Sam and Riley, my first two alter-egos. Here it is:

Monday, January 30, 2006

meet riley & sam Current mood: tired hi, this is riley. i am one of mandy’s two alter egos (yes, she has two). our personalities are currently undergoing construction, but so far i (riley) can tell you that: * i am 24 * sensible * level headed * i go to bed no later than 10.30pm * i work full-time * i realise that to achieve the things i want, i will have to knuckle down this year and work on earning money. my plan is to pay off all my debts plus have a few thousand to spend in europe when i go with my family * it’s a possibility that i may end up a youth leader soon * i am working on my communications degree, and plan to fit in as many subjects over as little time as possible (including winter intensives and summer semesters) because no matter how stressed i get it will all be worth it in the end * i use a diary, i journal sensible things, i spend quality amounts of time with God, i sleep well and use the little bit of time left over to have coffee with my close friends sam (also known as sammy), on the other hand is completely nuts. she probably isn’t capable of writing anything logical, so i am going to write it for her. sam is: * 16 * she loves going out dancing * she drives a volvo with a thumping sound system (yeah, don’t ask) * she hates going to bed, and hates waking up * she is irresponsible, illogical and ridiculously fun to be with * she doesn’t care about how she is going to feel at work tomorrow, or how her budget will look for next week because if she needs to she will spend all night at a friend’s house feeding them the massive amount of chocolate she took over to cheer them up * she buys the perfect christmas present, every time * she is way too dramatic, and every now and then gets a massive mood swing * she usually doesn’t care enough to get stressed * she bounces off the walls, taking most other people with her mandy (just so you know) is the one that is observant, mellow, relatively quiet (compared to sammy), and has a beautiful smile that doesn’t reach her eyes when she is sad. i will let you know more about us three next time i know more. regards, riley.