the magnitude of forever

so this whole dream of a wonderful man, a few children, the white picket fence and the family dog….
it’s supposed to be the contemporary woman’s fairytale is it not?
i used to think it was my fairytale, and it is about to come true.

and now i wonder if it is actually a nightmare in disguise.

forever, ’til death do us part’….. this is a really long time.
it’s scaring me. really scaring me.

i have a man that i love dearly, i am sure of that much at least.
but, i don’t know that i want a relationship. at all.

i am two different people (at least). one of me loves him so much, knows it, and can’t wait to start the ‘rest of my life’ with him, getting married, settling down, in a few years having kids…

then the other girl FREAKS OUT, feeling choked and claustrophobic, wondering what she could have ever been thinking when she said ‘yes’ to a ring on that finger. she wants to scream and run out of the house with a suitcase of clothes and her teddy bear, escaping to a life of freedom… one where she can do what she wants, be what she wants, change if she wants, not having the responsibility of a relationship and possibly so much more.

she doesn’t want a house, she wants a caravan. she doesn’t want a boyfriend, she wants to date… maybe… eventually…

she wants to travel at whim, she wants to feel free to NOT shave her legs for three weeks (and not feel bad about it), she wants inspiration to dress up and impress, she wants to flirt, to have attention, to hunker down in her bed for three days and not come out, and know that it doesn’t affect anybody but herself.

the thing is, that he knows how i feel, we’ve talked about it. he knows i love him without reservation. he also knows that i don’t feel like i can live up to this life.
but he doesn’t know what to do.
except ask me to make up my mind, and quickly so that it will cause less pain for both of us.

if only i knew what to do.
this has been on my mind for months.
if i couldn’t figure it out then, why would i know what to do about it now?

i had horrible dreams last night. i was somehow deformed and had an identical twin that had been sucking life out of me, and it got rectified through some cross between tribal magic and church prayers after a number of walks up and down these massive cliffs on the edge of the ocean. i also had two babies, again identical twins, and both had been given away at birth, but i found one of the little girls, and she’d been taken in by some bogan woman who had named her Shayna Jade, and i took her back and called her Hope, and she restored my life;

then i was in anguish for a reason i didn’t know why, mum couldn’t comfort me because i didn’t even know what was wrong. there were built in wardrobes that had doors in them leading into more rooms and wardrobes, and they were all painted pink and white. in the top shelf of my wardrobe was a dead chicken with blood all over its neck. someone wanted to start eating it but i felt so sick at the thought;

and i was transported to a bush area, where my brother and other people were gathering around, building huts or something. i heard a noise and found a baby (who could talk), and the others were all over him declaring him the enemy, but i had to protect him. eventually i got away from the group, and found the entrance to the house inside a tree where he had been living and looked after by a young greek guy, when i heard the others start to attack. i frantically tried to hide the baby and myself, but it was too late;

then i was back at the bush area, having a second chance, knowing what i didn’t know before. i snuck away, finding the baby before anybody else knew of him, and i barricaded the house-inside-the-tree from the inside, blocking the doors and windows with beds and tables, then snuck away, knowing that they would only survive if they were never found in the first place. i didn’t want to leave the baby, but it was his only chance for survival. when i went up to my parent’s house to sit with mum for a bit, the others (including my siblings) came racing up the driveway from the bush where they had discovered the house and attacked, and they brought the ‘baby’ with them. except that he was now a baby chicken, lying in my sisters hand, dead. and they started to eat him.

it was so horrible. it’s been a few hours, and i’m still feeling yuk from the dream. i don’t know what it meant, except that maybe i should have a baby and not eat chicken.

i’m so sad and pathetic and confused.

i have a counsellors appointment in 20mins, but i’m not going. i’m not answering calls. i’m going to stay in my bed until the world gets better.

i hope it gets better quickly.