Pack your bags….

So decisions have been made. Thanks to Sarah, Riss and my wonderful Mum, I am feeling a lot happier now. There is still a lot up in the air, but I know where I’m going to be in a month, so I am much more comfortable.

The plan is that I move not this weekend coming, but next, to my aunty’s house in Oxenford. Cam will be leaving on either the Thursday or the Saturday depending on whether he decides to fly or drive. At the end of October I will move down to the Blue Mountains. My godfather has been keeping an eye out for places for me to live. He did find one place that sounded perfect to board at, but they have a big fluffy cat, and I am allergic. Damn.

I’m thinking that the easiest way to get a job down there would be to try for a transfer to the Penrith store (at the bottom of the mountain) but if that doesn’t work out then I’m happy enough just to do Woolies or something for a few months. I could do with the change anyway.

The TESOL course I was going to do got postponed until the end of next month, the day after I originally had in mind as the day to leave. But, nobody says that I have to leave on a certain date, so I’m thinking that I could just stay on the extra five days and do the course, then leave the next day.

Liesse (my sister) is going to come down with me for the drive to the Blue Mountains, so that will be nice to have some company for the 12 or so hours it takes to get there. I’d like to leave early in the morning and travel straight through, but I think Mum is going to have something to say about that. *sigh* I bet she’s going to make me stop overnight.

The thought of cleaning, sorting, packing and more cleaning is very daunting. I have a pile of dirty dishes calling my name in the kitchen. I really should get out of bed and do it. I need to go to Pac Fair first though to get some garbage bags, cardboard boxes and packing tape.

It’s moving time!

Listening to: Luciano Pavarotti
Eating/Drinking: Nothing. But I’m hungry
Wearing: PJ pants and a doona
Mood: Relieved and reluctant
Thinking: I really need to get a move on with today
Wishing: That I had the money to hire professional packers and cleaners!!!
Question of the Day: Where do I start!?!?!?!?!

With a heavy heart…

I am so tired. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally.

I’m sick of being sad. I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m over suppressing feelings. Wow, this sounds like an emo blog. In a way I guess it is.

So this is the present situation that I find myself in:

*Cam finds out on Tuesday whether he has the job in Melbourne or not. If he does, he’ll be gone within two weeks.
*I have been planning to stay at my aunty’s for a month after Cam leaves and then moving to the Blue Mountains. My godparents are down there with a really great church that I feel very much at home in.
*In January/February I was planning on going to China to teach English, basically until I get over it.
*I have three of my closest friends wishing very hard that I wasn’t going anywhere, at least ’til next year.
*I want to move, cos it’s exciting and new (and I love change) and it feels right, but I so don’t want to at the same time, because my heart is already broken at the thought of having to leave three of my favourite girls here.

I really don’t know what to do. I talk to Sarah and she starts looking for different jobs so that I can stay here on the Gold Coast (I hate my job at the moment. Or more accurately, I can’t handle the manager).

I talk to Maggie and she says that she needs me, please don’t leave.

I talk to Riss and she doesn’t say much about what I should or shouldn’t do, but I know that she hates the idea of me leaving too.

It’s so nice to have people doing everything in their power to make me stay cos they’re gonna miss me so much.

I talk to Cam and he says that obviously other people aren’t thinking of me when they say ‘don’t leave’, and that it’s selfish on their part. I disagree. Because I know that deep down they only want what is best for me, they just really wish that what was best for me was also best for them.

I talk to Mum and mention that I have people who are saying ‘don’t leave’ and she sort of shrugs it off and says that they’ll deal with it eventually, and then continues talking about me moving down.

It’s really hard. When I talk to certain people I can envision myself going to the Blue Mountains and being happy, and then I talk to others and I just can’t bring myself to think about even leaving here.

Dealing with Cam leaving has been hard too. It’s one thing when you yourself choose to leave everybody behind, but when your best friend leaves you behind….

Even last night Cam was saying how much I’d love Melbourne, even for a time because there are so many people, so many amazing shops, so many experience to be had. Riss reckons that he really wants me to go down there with him. I wouldn’t be surprised. I just wish (but in the same breath am glad that he hasn’t) that he would ask me to come with him.

All of this makes me just want to jump on a plane to China, running away and dealing with it there.

So once again, the decision that I thought I had made has come back to tap me on the shoulder and ask me ‘are you sure?’ No, I’m not.

Do I stay on the Gold Coast with three of my closest friends, move to Melbourne with my best friend, move to the Blue Mountains with no one (but a promise of many lovely people to befriend) or just bugger off to China now?

I feel wrecked inside. Very sad. With a heavy heart.

Listening to: James Taylor
Eating/Drinking: Nothing
Wearing: A towel
Mood: Emotionally exhausted
Thinking: I wish I could sleep forever, to dwell for eternity in the land of beautiful dreams
Wishing: That someone would just give me a solution on a silver platter
Question of the Day: Why aren’t flights to Italy cheaper?

P.S. I had a brilliant night the other night at the Brisbane Jazz Club with Luke, Talia and Michael. Thanks guys!