So it’s one of those days. One of those days that I sit here and feel slightly ugly and wonder what to do with my life.
The plan has changed so many times in the last few months. Is it a problem that I continually change my mind, change plans? Does that make me fickle or just young and carefree? The last plan was to go to China and teach English with Cam. That looks like it has probably fallen through on his side. I’m pretty sure he won’t go.
What I’m concerned about is that I was so gee’d up to go, and now that he’s pretty much decided he’s not going, the wind has been knocked out of my sails. It shouldn’t matter that he’s not going. I should be able to strike out on my own. A year ago I would have gone regardless of who was or wasn’t going with me. Today I sit here thinking I don’t really feel like it anymore.
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?
I’m totally coming across like I’m dependent on Cameron. And I so desperately want to believe that I’m not. It’s almost like while I still feel like going overseas, it just won’t be as good if he doesn’t come. And then I figure that whatever adventure he chooses, that will be more fun, so I should do that. Gah! If I had another friend that said ‘okay, let’s do this’, then I believe I would think less of possible regrets and just go. It’s not so much that I’m scared to do it by myself, cos the thought of going to a foreign country by myself honestly doesn’t daunt me at all. But having a friend would just be better I guess. But not just any friend.
I know someone who wants to work on a cruise ship or a resort island with me, but I don’t think I’d like to do it with her. I love her, but I don’t think I could live with her. I can only think of one person (other than Cameron) that I would really like to take with me overseas, but I don’t think they want to go. And fair enough.
So again I come full circle. Am I too dependent on Cameron? Do I need to strike out by myself, even just to prove that I can? Or would that be stupid to do it just to prove a point? Where do I go from here?
I promised myself that next year would be a year of adventure. I don’t really care which adventure, just pick one and I’ll jump aboard. I have a few options that have already presented themselves.
*Move to China and teach English, then after 6mths or so (the approximate time it will take to pay off my bank loan whilst working there) move on to Latin America, then to Eastern Europe and so on. This would be an absolute blast, and a very good way to make money AND see the world. Seriously, I would almost be stupid not to go. The problem is that I would miss a few key people back here. I wish I could just take them with me.
*Go and work on a resort island. This would be enough money to keep paying my bank loan, although I probably wouldn’t get much ahead like I would if I went to teach English. Again I would miss people, but then I’m not as far away as China.
*Go to uni with Cam. Our backup plan was to both move to Lismore and go to uni full-time, having fun and just being young uni students. Honestly, that is one thing I have always wanted to do. Living on campus (or close to), making friends, going to toga parties during O-week and always seeing someone I know in the library. I do actually really enjoy uni, but cos I have always done it part-time I haven’t gotten the whole ‘uni’ experience. It always looks so fun in those American movies. This option would mean that I actually get a degree, and I get to keep living with Cameron too, which has been a really fun experience overall. And then I wouldn’t be so far from friends on the Gold Coast either, and I’m still within reach of the Sunshine Coast for uni holidays. The main problem would be getting enough work to pay off my bank loan and study. But I know I could do it. I always do.
*Move home. This is something that only just occurred to me as an option. But then I did specify that I needed an adventure didn’t I? Unless some incredible job came up, I can’t see it being an adventure. And right now, I don’t feel like I could handle moving back to Noosa. It’s not time yet.
In other news, I randomly texted my little sister, and just said ‘I love you chicken. xxx’
Text message back: Okay. Thanks.
I want to cry.
Please feel free to give me feedback. Honesty is appreciated. Bluntness is required. Love is accepted.
Listening to: Chicane
Eating/Drinking: Nothing, I’m full
Wearing: Red hoodie, trackies, toe socks
Mood: Sad
Thinking: I wish I knew my sister loved me
Wishing: I could just go to sleep forever (in a very non-suicidal way)
Question of the Day: Does anybody really need me? (Please do not answer this question by the way, as it is a stupid plea for attention)
